The Midnight Sun
The Good Life
Take me. I'm yours.
The Way Home
We Take Care of Our Own
The Holy Days
Fall On Me
Bringing It All Back Home
Learn to Be Still
Love the One You're With
|A streaming consciousness I have and so the seed was planted in my mind and tonight it sprouts.|
My web master, and I use the word "master" consciously, asked me to write my first blog entry. I resisted.
"But Jo, the site isn't done yet. Plus my grammar is weak. I talk better than I write."
"That's OK. Make it about the process of building the site. Stream of consciousness."
A streaming consciousness I have and so the seed was planted in my mind and tonight it sprouts.
One of the most intense personal transformations I've been through these past two years is with my own identity. Ironically, not so much "who am I?" but rather "who will I be?" For twenty years, when it comes to my profession, I've been CC; that's how I'm known. People to this day, even though I haven't had a radio show for three years, still hear my voice and know me as CC.
It's a humbling and beautiful experience and I feel very blessed. However something quite profound started to unfold back in April of 2009 on the heels of my father dying, my relationship ending, my beloved dog dying, my business partner using our company's exit plan and losing my job all in eight months: I lost myself. I died. The person I knew myself to be, daughter, lover, mother, partner, broadcaster pulverized by life itself, dust bellowing from the ruins.
Fast forward and much to my surprise, the phoenix that rose up from the ashes carried the banner, "Camille Conte". My soul was asking me to integrate all my selves into one. No more CC? I could not imagine that but my web master had not only imagined it, she was ready to design it. I resisted.
"But Jo, everyone knows me as CC. I am CC. I like it!"
"I know that." I could hear exasperation in her voice. "Hell even I call you CC but it's time for Camille Conte to emerge front and center. It's time for this website and it's time for The Camille Conte Show." I knew she was right and still I resisted. I pushed back gasping for air.
"I'm not ready Jo. With CC I had some unanimity. Plus it's catchy and easy to remember. Plus If I go with my full name, that's it! I'm out there as me!"
"Exactly", my master said with a point like an arrow hitting it's target.
For over a year she's waited patiently for common sense to trump fear, for my insecurities to be healed and for my beloved ego to be shown the back seat. During that time, I wrote over and over and over again like a school girl scribbling her future wife's name on her book cover, The Camille Conte Show. I would walk around my house pretending to be on the air, "Hi welcome to show. My name is Camille." It sounded like a foreign language. Who the hell is Camille and where the hell is CC? At night, playing roulette with insomnia, I'd pontificate my argument for the jury that was seated between my ears.
"This is ridiculous! (spoken mockingly with forced radio voice) This is the Camille Conte Show and I'm Camille Conte. Who the fuck else would I be? Hi,This is the Camille Conte Show and I'm Mary Jane! It's ridiculous!" I shouted. I have always felt it was about the listener and so I never liked leading with me. I always preferred showcasing the show, Classics to Go with CC, Morning Line with CC, Cutting Edge with CC. And now it's suppose to be The Camille Conte show? I have to brand and market myself? No way. The pause button became the stop button and everything went dead again.
What I've come to understand through hundreds of hours of analysis, journaling, mediation, contemplation and prayer is that CC is Camille Conte. That's where it all comes from. CC was a nickname for my full name Camille Conte. And when I really got real with myself, I knew back in May of 2009 that Camille was rising and CC knew it. Camille was coming up for air and needed CC to make some room. It was time.
They've learned a lot from each other. I'm happy to say we have come to a workable agreement and arrangement. Firstly, the site will be multi-media and multi-sensory so for those who know my voice, they'll hear it on the site as "Classic CC". For those that know my face, they'll see twenty years of pictures. And right above the banner that says, "The Camille Conte Show" it'll have another banner, smaller but with pizzazz that says, "CC's Back!" I sure am.