The Midnight Sun
The Good Life
Take me. I'm yours.
The Way Home
We Take Care of Our Own
The Holy Days
Fall On Me
Bringing It All Back Home
Learn to Be Still
Love the One You're With
"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." Gautama Buddha
I'm nearly finished with this powerful process of declaring my core desired feelings, those vibrations that will guide my intentions and choices until new ones are revealed! While in the underbelly of my subconscious, a belief tumbled out that took me by surprise. I noted it, in order to come back to it, but turns out I couldn't leave it until I wrestled with the unconscious impact it's had on my life as a woman.
As I was stating how I wanted to feel in and about my body, I began writing, "I must be mindful of self criticism and heal it, especially when it looks like constantly covering up my body and being afraid of my sexiness". As the words fell onto the page, I was deeply moved. "Wow. That's huge," I continued writing. "Be afraid because it causes problems."
The "it" is my sensuality and sexuality. In that moment, all my religious and societal conditioning overcame me like a tsunami. I could hear in my head and see on the screen of my mind every piece of media that ever presented a rape victim as the one who asked for it because of how she was dressed. It was her fault. Look at the problems "it" caused her, the shame and embarrassment for all who know her. I could not stop this flood of flashbacks, hundreds of moments in which I looked in the mirror and judged myself, and ultimately others, using the words I had been taught. "It's too short, too low, too tight, reveals too much. That's not how a lady dresses. Dress like a lady." I could feel all over again the PAIN of such judgement, the PAIN of separating from myself and condeming my womanhood, the PAIN of watching myself turn sideways appalled at the "fat" that appeared over my bra line or my belly that sat defenseless behind the material. The PAIN of disappointment as I took off the top, skirt, dress and choose something "more approriate. I felt crushed by the weight of this wound.
But then, just as quickly something else began to rise. The lie had been exposed to the Light and was dissolving in the presence of Truth. My anger rose up, then my tears. A sense of freedom began to quiver deep inside of me and I allowed it to spread its wings and take flight. All those years of uniforms, indoctrinated shame, oppression and not-enoughness began gasping for air. The ephipany in my consciousness grew as I realized what has imprisoned me all these years of my life. My perception was illuminated with such clarity that everything internal quickened.
I grabbed my pen again and in big letters wrote, "NO MORE!". Then I went upstairs and dressed myself sexy and walked out the door.