The Midnight Sun
The Good Life
Take me. I'm yours.
The Way Home
We Take Care of Our Own
The Holy Days
Fall On Me
Bringing It All Back Home
Learn to Be Still
Love the One You're With
|"If you have a decision or problem before you, you may feel that you need to do something-because the simple act of doing something makes you feel like you are moving toward a solution. Yet real solutions issue only from a shift in consciousness." Alan Cohen.|
I made a decision out of fear and the energy of desperation last month and returned a purchase that I hadn't finished purchasing. Instead of trusting, I looked at the $300 in my bank account and freaked out. I had applied for nine jobs and none of them were coming through. I convinced myself that I had no choice, though the idea of reversing my decision made me ill. I had given my word that I was good for the transaction and now I was negotiating that word. The voices in my head were deafening and powerful and successful at wearing me down. Instead of letting faith and trust decide, I let fear of lack make the decision. Not the first time that has happened.
It's been humbling witnessing the energetic components of the repercussions. I was in fear, desperation, constriction and lack and so the decision was filled with those vibrations as well. When the boomerang came home, it carried all of that energy with it. When it hit, it took my solar plexus as its bullseye, a sucker punch that caused me to keel over and drop to my knees.
Now all I want to do is make it right, manipulate my world so as to complete the agreement, repair the damage done, restore a friendship and realign my integrity. Isn't that what we all want when we awaken and realize we've missed the mark? We want a second chance to make things right, be forgiven, make amends, restore love.
But I found something else underneath all those well intentioned ideals. I realized that I don't want to feel this pain any longer and believe it will "go away" if I'm able to "do the right thing". These past three days I've been sidelined by the emotions activated by the consequences of my choice. Add to the mix, the moments of self-condemnation, separation from myself in the name of judgment, and the distress has affected my health. Knowing all too well how to be self-critical to the point of no return, I put a stop to that. It wasn't helping and I'm wanting to help myself deal with what is happening. It's been very difficult allowing myself to feel the heartache that my decision set in motion, and yet I accept now that that is exactly what i must do in order to have a complete healing.
In processing this with two extraordinary friends, my inner wisdom was loud and clear. This is about allowing. This is about being still and learning how to feel what you'd rather push away. If you'll just sit with it, be with it, hold it and be ok with feeling it and how it feels, it will pass through you. Love yourself doing this, love those involved, appreciate how it's felt for them, and practice allowing all to unfold as it will. Do not need it to be a certain way. There may very well be results that you'd rather not accept but in accepting what is, your pain will not become suffering.
There's always a consequence to a choice; that's the way life works, the ol' "reap what you sow" law. I do desire to complete the transaction but I realize that it must come from a very different energy than that which surrounds that desire now. I must first finish feeling this through. Turns out, there's some unfinished pain from our past that has used the opening to push through. That has also helped me understand the force of that which has moved through me. I have a chance to heal that past and the present so as to dissolve the pain body completely and set us both free.
I'm reminded tonight that it takes a lot to be present for pain, to allow, to accept what is. It requires a deep willingness and courage to feel what our society encourages us to numb and avoid. Instead, I am using the tools of self-forgiveness and self-love that I've learned about and have cultivated through practice. So, even though I'm in pain and pain is in me, I'm holding myself and my tender heart while being present with it as it passes through me. It's not easy though.